Two things before I start. First off, I have a Zip-lock bag in my apartment which heeds this warning: Caution. Hot steam. Carefully open bag away from body. Let sit one minute before opening. The bag that says this currently contains Skittles. A whole bunch of Skittles. Needless to say, I took the warning to heart, let it sit for a minute after I pulled it out of the cabinet, and then opened it away from my body. Boy, were those people at Zip-lock right!
Secondly, join me in applauding Bo, Nate, Trevor and Justin for all of their help in maintaining this blog with me. Trevor and Justin have yet to even respond to the invite I sent them to be authors here, Bo, well, who knows what he does on a daily basis, and then there's Nate, who might have the only viable excuse for slacking because his only form of internet access is his robot phone which can make zombies appear on the street, see stars through physical Earth, but cannot run a word processor.
Time to get on point, or to the subject at least. I was clearing out inboxes in my various e-mail pages today, and found some really funny things from a long time ago, specifically on Myspace. Remember when Myspace was a big deal? Well, the amount of mail I receive now is minimal, but I used to get a whole bunch, so I've decided to dedicate this post to some of the more funny, heartwarming or weird messages I received, or some of the more embarrassing messages I sent in 2005, which for some odd reason was the only year where stuff was allowed to be entertaining and in your inbox at the same time. This could be long. Brace yourself.
WELL HOMIE...I GUESS I CAN HELP U OUT...U CAN BE ONE OF MIME (sic) HOMIES. FROM THE EAST COAST...ARE YOU COO WITH THAT..
-This was the first message I ever received, the date was May 3rd, 2005. I had never contacted this person, nor asked for his help. I'm pretty sure I didn't even send a friend request. Of course, I took his help, and proceeded to become huge on the East Coast. Yeah, I'm ''coo'' with that.
MAY 31st, 2005
Whats up, man, my name is Steven Colbert, I'm an artist from St.Louis and I just wanted to say I really like what your doing, it sounds fucking great. I generally peruse through artist on this sight and am seldomly (sic) impressed, but I am indeed impressed by you. If you get a chance, check my stuff at as well (myspace.com/stevencolbert). Keep up the good work!
-This will become a common theme, I came to find out today. I most likely was not impressed, or I was always impressed, either way, I lied to this man and am a horrible person because of it. Shameless promotion has it's place. It has Itsspace.
JUNE 3rd, 2005
A jam sounds fun, keep rockin till you fuckin drop, its the only way to do it. See ya in july, and best of luck with everything!
I will plug your show as much as possible if you do me a tiny favor and make mention of my june 26th show at the red sea while you're there. I mean, obviously I'll spread the word as much as possible, but its just a thought. Peace!
-Another common theme, again with the shameless self promotion. Yes, I was the one who sent these, and yes, I was the one who said ''keep rockin' till you fuckin' drop.'' Ouch. I didn't even know this guy, somehow set him up a show, and then didn't even show up to watch his band play. Did he do the shout out about the show like I asked? I don't know. What I do know is that he made a strong point of it to really try to get me to attend because, as quoted by him, ''we don't know a soul up there.''
JUNE 5th, 2005
i left my weed at (name removed) house and im pretty sure hes avoiding my calls so will u please please pleaseee try to get it back for me and u can smoke some...assuming u didnt already smoke it all...thanx :)
-This was left by a girl, as indicated by the use of an ''x'' instead of a ''k'' and also the smiley face at the end. I'm pretty sure the guy who lived at the house where she left it smoked it all.
JUNE 14th, 2005
Subject: I need 2 be serenaded...
Message: Baby, please play for me.......
-Weird. I think this was the first message in my Myspace history that I did not respond to.
JUNE 27th, 2005
what's shakin bacon? how was your set last night? I had an incredible night...the band that played after me, Rescue, ended up sleeping on my floor! I didn't get to sleep till past 2AM, and I am one tired dude. I'm really excited about finishing new songs and spredin' the love.
-This was an exchange from another guy to me. Maybe it's not as weird as I think it is, but I think it's weird for so many reasons.
JUNE 27th, 2005
his colon has droped to his testicals > crazy huh he should be ok though had surgery at 8am. hope all is good with you, how did it go last night anyway? I will keep checking ur Pro can't wait !
-I swear to God, I had never met this person in my life, or was aware of the situation about the man with the colon touching his balls. I'm pretty sure ''Pro'' means ''profile.'' I also have no idea what she couldn't wait for.
JUNE 23rd, 2005
sweet tunes dude. haha. no but really nice job.
-I was really thrown off when this girl said ''good job,'' so I'm really happy that she added the part about, ''just joking, but seriously, good work.''
JULY 5th, 2005
whoa steve totally looks like he is about to throw up. reminds me of the time we made a bunh of red jello shots and i drank a bunch because of course, it was sugar and there is always room for jello. someone told me later on that i had about twelve of them, either way i cleared off an entire plate then was so drunk i went ahead and put it back in the freezer. (i probably thought that more would appear) like maybe we had some vodka and jello dispenser in the freezer. 'nayways later on i realize that this whole drunk thing really just caught up to me, at once. the room did'nt really start to spin or anything i basically just hit the floor. then i got into the bathroom and literally all i had to do was just look at the toilet and it all just came back up. i made a point to drink a bunch of water so it was literally just red water coming out of my face. i looked like something out of "manos the hands of fate" steve walks in and notices the red shit coming out of my mouth. "holy shit dude are you throwing up blood." once again steven you have never ceased to amaze me with you're innocent brand of humor, classic. "no steven, that would be red jello. Ha ha...''
JULY 7th, 2005
I love your work on The Daily Show. You must be so tired of hearing that.
-Getting there. Definitely getting there.
JULY 10th, 2005
hey dude,
i put two new songs up today, you should check 'em out. i like them, im pretty sure, i cant tell yet. but what up dude. alright later
-Ah, yes. The first message I ever received from Bo Bulawsky. Notice how he can't use capitalization or punctuation at all? Maybe that's why he never updates this blog...
JULY 19th, 2005
STEVEN COLBERT?!?!?!?!?! I LOVE YOU!!!
-Fuck yeah, you do.
JULY 21st, 2005
Hello! Steven.
I like your music, you sing very well. It enchants to me to have contact with you, I´m a girl of Maracaibo, Venezuela. I have 22 years old. In my profile you can know of my although not everything but if something... pardons by my ingles.
-This one is one of my all time favorites, and don't worry, there is a follow up.
JULY 22nd, 2005
Subject: your in
Message: you got the add dude
-That was from comedian Robert Kelly, and it's made way more effective when you see his picture along with that message. Basically, it's this bald dude who looks really mean and he's pointing at you but has a super pissed off/reassured look on his face, and he is so serious about the fact that ''your in.'' It's a friend request! Cracks me up every time.
JULY 24th, 2005
Why should I add you to my friends list?
-Again, the profile picture is the selling point. The kid that I assume I tried to add looks like, and I'm not trying to be a dick, but he looks like the biggest dork of all time. And he was shooting me down.
JULY 24th, 2005
what the hell I'll add you.
-Oh yeah. Same kid as above, if you hadn't guessed it. Also, I didn't send him a reason why he should add me, I guess he just gave up on not adding me.
JULY 24th, 2005
LMFAO!!!!! (laughing my fucking ass off) Sweet sick fucking jehovaphat, i am such a girly internet guy.
-I claim full responsibility for this one. Sad thing is, I have no idea what it was in response to.
JULY 26th, 2005
Thanks to respond.
That is Venezuela truth is a full country of natural beauties, you must come so that to know and of course I clear will guide to you
-Part Two of ''Bad Ingles Girl.'' Sweet.
AUGUST 1st, 2006
This is the band I used to be in. We have left over merch, and I'm trying to sell it to pay for my psychologist appointments this month, so a 7-song packaged cd, shirt, and button is $9 with (shipping) included.
-Business sense. Pure business sense.
AUGUST 2nd, 2005
With your computer illiteracy, I am quite pleased/surprised to see you on here.
-My Brother to me. He goes to Harvard.
AUGUST 8th, 2005
I did not tell her specifically that you and I think she's gorgeous, but that there's "someone else I know" who thinks she's a good singer and nice looking. am I gay and/or in 6th grade?
-I remember when I was gay and in the sixth grade.
OCTOBER 4th, 2005
you are on myspace, but not aim. i made your top 8. does that mean you still have a crush on me? i think that you do. call me sometime.
-The second message I ever received from Bo Bulawsky.
That about sums up round one. Maybe one of these days I'll share some more, but it really tapers off in quality after that. I do believe that 2006 was the year for Myspace hacks and nobody sending randomly absurd e-mails, but I'll root through. Ciao.
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